William Shakespeare wrote a lot of terrific plays. Most people probably have a favorite. I love them all but I think my personal favorite is probably MacBeth (McBeth?)
My first video game console was a used Nintendo that my auntie bought me at a yard sale for $15. The only hitch was that it didn’t come with cables to connect it to the TV, so I just set it up in front of the TV and used my imagination to play games. When I finally got the cables, the games were kind of a letdown compared to the games I was playing in my head, so I unplugged it and went back to my imaginary games. I got really good at Bonk! (Imaginary) and Warriors of the Seventh Realm VII (Imaginary).
I’ve been debating going vegan. On the pro side, I would not be contributing to the death of animals. On the other hand, the supermarket is basically full of animal corpses, and if no one eats them, then they’ve died in vain. So, at the end of the day, I feel like my eating meat at least gives those poor animals some purpose to their lives. Guess I’m having hot dogs tonight! Again.
I kind of enjoy pop-up ads. It’s always heartening to know that someone out there wants my business that much.
Major apols to all the Splettnetistas I offended with my post about the Cavendish banana. When I thoughtlessly wrote that it’s the banana ‘we’ eat, I should have said ‘North Americans,’ as the plantain is a major food staple in West and Central Africa, Central America, the Caribbean Islands and northern coastal parts of South America.
There are lots of different kinds of bananas but the one we eat every day is called the Cavendish, I think.
If you’ve spent as much time in politics as I have, you’ll become pretty convinced that the prevailing ethical paradigm of our day both in terms of individual action and actions taken by society as a whole is fundamentally teleological in that it is primarily ends-directed. And I have to say, I completely understand the appeal of utilitarianism. Was it Mr. Spock who said “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?” Yes, it was.
Now, I’m very reluctant to cross logical swords with Mr. Spock but I have to say that I beg to differ.
(And before you point out that in the film after that one Kirk says that the “needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many” to explain why the crew risked so much to save Spock and that in the film after that one, Spock jeopardizes the entire crew (many) to save Chekhov (one), let me just say this: you’re right.)
So, the point is, Spock’s position may have changed on its own without my having to try and prove him wrong (which would be hard.)
Anyway, back to my view. I am a committed neo-Kantian in pretty much every respect: epistemology, philosophy of science, the mind-body problem, even Aristotelian idealism. But first and foremost is my profound belief in deontological means-directed ethics as elucidated in the Grundlegung and so brilliantly expanded upon by Schopenhauer in his affectionate Critique.
What’s your opinion? I’d like to know!
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I’m now pretty sure it was actually Mr. Peabody who died. They’re both blue.
It is with a heavy heart that I must report that Sherman, one of my Siamese fighting fish, has passed on. As you may remember both Sherman and my other fish, Mr. Peabody, become enraged by certain types of colorful lights and will beat themselves against the side of their tanks attempting to reach the light and destroy it. As I explained in a previous post, the TV seems to have been the problem in the past which is why I moved it into my bedroom, even though the bedroom is pretty small and I don’t really like watching TV in bed (though many Splettsterinos clearly do and more power to them! Diff’rent Strokes! (By the way, why did they replace the “e” with an apostrophe in the title of the TV show? If you know or “have a theory,” e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.))
That paragraph was getting pretty long so I’m going to start a new one. Usually when I leave the house, I close the curtains in the living room so that Sherman and Mr. Peabody won’t see anything out the window that might infuriate them and cause them to smash themselves into the side of the tank.
(Do you like analogies? I can take them or leave them but I sometimes wonder if the glass walls of the fish tank are to a fish like God is to us. Both are invisible; both prevent us from going where we want to go and doing what we want to do.)
Anyway, this morning I forgot to close the curtains and when I came home, Sherman was floating belly up and beginning to decay. There’s no point in trying to revive a fish when they’re in that condition. I can’t say for certain that the open curtains were to blame but I did see a colorful yellow rental truck from Hertz driving past as I was leaving and I thought to myself, “That’s just the kind of moving colored object that would drive Sherman and Mr. Peabody crazy.”
To anticipate your next question, I don’t blame Hertz for killing Sherman and I don’t plan to sue them. I wouldn’t mind an upgrade to a full-size vehicle the next time I rent a car, though
To anticipate the question after that, I gave Sherman a “porcelain burial.” Mr. Peabody seems to still be in the first of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief: denial. Will I get another fish? I think it’s a little soon to be hypothetically asking that!
Fun fact: if you pronounce “rainy” like my friend Carlos does — he’s from Australia — then it sounds like “rye-knee,” which is why I wrote that title. I was thinking about him saying it, and how that would sound. Actually, now that I think about it, Carlos is from Bolivia. It’s another friend who’s from Australia.
Step One: Rye Bread
It’s important to select a rye that has a firm crust, but tender interior bread. I like the rye that they sell at Glen’s in Dupont Circle, but if you’re reading this blog from >50 miles away, I would suggest finding bread closer to you, because of the carbon footprint and all.
Step Two: Choose Your Meat
For meat, you have two options: pastrami, peanut butter or cheese. Peanut butter is my go-to, because there’s nothing like a good peanut butter base for a sandwich. Pastrami is, of course, classic. And cheese, there are so many choices, from a hard yellow cheddar to a spreadable white cream cheese. You can also combine your meats, but some combinations are better than others. I like to use this mnemonic: Pastrami with cheese is stomach-pleasing. But cheese and peanut butter? Try another! (combination)
Step Three: Garnishes
Lettuce, pickles, basil, arugula, radicchio, tomatoes, sun-dried tomatoes, sprouts, onions or leafy greens are all great choices. Also, any sandwich can benefit from the addition of cheese (except peanut butter, see mnemonic above). If your main meat is cheese, choose a different kind of cheese as your secondary cheese. If your main meat is peanut butter, try some jelly or a banana for some added zest.
Step Four: Snap a picture and enjoy!
For best food photography, I suggest a DSLR for professional-quality sandwich close-ups — Nikon makes a great one — or a mirrorless ILC, with an extra macro lens to really capture the rye texture. There are also cameras that can connect directly to your favorite social networking platforms (splettnet.net, for example)*, for quick and easy uploading while you eat!
*please do not send me your food pictures, as my site has recently overloaded its data capacity. Still trying to get ahold of Jason.
Zach and Dave want to know:
I have a couple of questions I thought you could answer:
1) What is the legal precedent on ballots with hanging chads?
2) What is the meanest thing Jonah has ever said to/about you?
1) Hanging chads are considered the “third rail” of recount law. There’s no way I’m touching that one. I can’t recall Jonah ever saying anything mean to/about me. He’s the most decent person I know!
Will you go to prom with me??
I think you’re so dreamy! And knowledgable!
I’m blushing, David. I’m also glad to know that you find knowledgeable people attractive. Stay in school!
Who are your top 5 Favorite characters in the Meet The Parents Universe?
You can’t say Jinxy Cat, because he is obviously number 1
Sorry, David, but for me Robert de Niro’s Jack Byrnes is always going to be #1 with a bullet! There’s nothing de Niro can’t do. The rest probably goes like this:
2) Gaylord “Greg” Focker (Ben Stiller)
3) Kevin Rawley (Owen Wilson)
5) Dr. Larry Banks (James Rebhorn)
Redesign on Hold
My auntie used to say: “Be happy with what you’ve got, not what you hope you’re going to get.” So, right now, I’m pretty darn happy with Splettnet.net the way it is. #grateful
Had a dream that POTUS went to work carrying a White House-shaped lunch box, like a construction worker. They should sell those. Kids would love them. And government junkies (as in enthusiasts, not people physically dependent on opiates, which is a sad epidemic that Jonah Ryan has pledged to end. Or at least look into ending.)
Hey, Detroit, if you can bring back the Dodge Charger, what about the AMC Pacer? Yes, I know, there is no longer an American Motors Corporation, but maybe GMC could release it and just make their G look a little more A-like? I’d buy one. Probably used. If it was the right price and decent condition. Low miles. No rust. And I got a little help. And some reasonable financing. Still, parking might be a problem — but not your problem, Detroit!
Finally talked to Jason. He’s hit a pretty rough patch in his personal life. Gambling addiction is pretty serious stuff. Unfortunately, the Boba Fett funds were wagered on what, in Jason’s defense, looked like a pretty sure bet of a college volleyball game. So back to square one, but with less money. Is there a square before one? If so, we may be there.
Sorry, PC police, but sea stars will always be starfish to me.
Auntie had a cat named Ralston that used to run away all the time, but then I discovered that she’d found the cat in a neighbor’s front yard, thought it looked sad, and took it home. So maybe the cat wasn’t running away at all — it was running home. Ralston. World-class hisser, that cat.
Have to say, Splettettes and Splettsters, I’ve been delighted by the positive response to my Bombadil/Ungoliant/unnamed order theory. Wonder what makes the Internet such a happy and supportive environment?Maybe the relative anonymity of the Internet allows for people’s ‘better angles’ to come out, as my Auntie used to say. (It’s not a typo. Auntie meant angles. She wasn’t into angels. Not from any sort of philosophical or theological reason; I just think the concept of feathered wings sprouting out of people’s backs freaked her out.)
The words ‘my bad’ don’t even begin to make up for the shame I feel for forgetting the most obvious singing drummer EVER: Kelly Keagy of Night Ranger. I mean, Sister Christian? I feel a little sorry for Ringo, who keeps getting pushed down the list, but until he drums and sings a Sister Christian, well, that’s the way the cymbal crashes, so to speak. Oh, and Phil Collins. I guess he belongs somewhere on there too. Poor Ringo. Just not his day.
Gotta think the hardest PSAs to do are for literacy, because your target audience can’t read the ads to find out where to go for more info. Guess there’s radio. But still… Tough one. Stay in school kids!! Although, if you can’t read what I just wrote, I guess… you know what, never mind. Live your life!! Shoot. Can’t read that either.
Looking for Jason
If anyone knows a web designer called Jason (last name either Johnson or Johnstone? bad cellphone connection), please let him know that I’d really like to get the SplettNet train out of the station.
You are so funny!! You need your own talk show!
Thanks but that seems like a lot of pressure!
I have an important business deal to discuss with you that will be of great benefit for both of us. Reply if interested for more details
You bet I’m interested! Please send more details ASAP to me at email@example.com
Hi Richard Splett
Your number 1 Splett fan here. We at the Spetternity were worried that your favourite teas did not include the classic Assam tea or Green tea. I am sure this is an oversight you will be willing to correct. Understandably you had to make room for the deliciousness that is Snapple, but then no love fr AriZona?
”What we do in life echoes in spletternity”
Happy to set the record straight! You spell “favorite” like an English person, Splettfan, and I know that English people know their teas!
I feel like we should have the say in the names we are voting on for followers of splettnet. I personally would prefer Splettizens.
This is your blog, too, Max! Definitely you should have a say!
I seek your consent for an urgent business proposition. If interested do contact me back via my private email. Awaiting your urgent reply.
Color me interested! Consent granted! I have written you directly to say this, as well. Very excited to hear your proposition!
Hey Marvel: I’d like to see a Watcher movie which consists entirely of the Watcher watching The Watchmen movie, which would then answer the question of who watches the watchmen? Answer: the Watcher.
As someone who has always had a keen interest in both America’s war-fighting abilities and science fiction, I keep a close eye on cutting edge weapons technologies like pulsed energy projectiles, deuterium fluoride lasers and other directed energy systems (“DE” for short). Although DE may seem like Star Trek tech to some, recent developments especially in close-to-room-temperature superconductors suggest that we may be just a few years away from actual battlefield implementation. With this in mind, the DE research community needs to engage more effectively with the Combat Development Command, the Air Force’s Directed Energy Directorate, senior commanders at the 2/3 star level and other stakeholders to decide the best path forward to operationalizing our emerging capacity in the near, medium and long term.
Congress needs to do its part and give the Secretary of Defense rapid acquisition authority for both lethal and non-lethal (such as sonic) DE systems. I know the lethal stuff is considered “sexier” but the non-lethal devices may actually have greater utility in the current geopolitical landscape. It’s no secret that the Chinese and probably the Russians are developing active and passive countermeasures for DE. America’s status as the dominant power in a unipolar world is contingent first and foremost on our military might. DE and related technologies are essential to maintaining our pre-eminence and hegemony.
I’ll hop off the soapbox now! Thanks for listening!
At the end of the day, a pizza is just a hot open-faced caprese sandwich. And pretty much the rest of the day, too.
Message to Web Designer Jason
Jason, if you’re reading this, please email or text me. Or regular mail. I love a letter every now and then. I’ve been thinking about getting a vintage typewriter, but I don’t have the space. Or the money. So tough. Those IBM Selectrics are so sweet.
As baseball season heats up, thought it might be fun to come up with a new nickname for home runs. Here are my leading contenders:
- Long Johns
- Creamsicles (Full disclosure, this one’s a bit of a stretch. I love creamsicles and I love home runs. Pretty much the only connection)
- Whoa Nellies
- Big Ups
- Yonders (originally wanted to go with Beyonders, but worried that Marvel might come after me for unauthorized usage of the Beyonder name, and it wasn’t really the threat of a Marvel lawsuit that gave me pause, so much as the fear (unfounded though it may be) that a lawsuit might in some way delay the development of the Beyonder movie. Not that it’s been announced, but come on. It’s just a matter of time. It’s the Beyonder.)
- Spletts (Just kidding! And yet, not the worst idea. Pretty bad, but not the worst.)