Where Is the Best Place to Store Your Cocaine

Splettizens know that this is a perennial topic here in the Splettzone and that I post something about it every year just because the answer is so fun and  counterintuitive.  Unless you have access to some sort of industrial freeze-drying equipment or a good quality laboratory glove box with military grade dehumidification modifications, the best place to store cocaine is…wait for it…in your freezer!

Now I can guess what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “Hey, Richard, my freezer is full of frozen ice and releases a cloud of cool moist vapor whenever I open it.  I don’t want my coke to get all wet and turn into a puddle of sticky mush when I cut some lines up for my friends.”  Never fear!  Your freezer is actually the least humid place in your house because all the water in the air inside has been locked up solid as ice.  That cloud you see when you open the door is just the cold dry air from the freezer reacting to the warm, moist air of your house.

Now, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the additional precaution of storing cocaine in a waterproof container like a Ziploc bag or even two.  That way your drugs will be safe in the event of a power outage.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I don’t take drugs and I strongly oppose not only drug abuse but recreational drug use of all kinds.  But if you do take drugs and are looking for the best place to store your cocaine, the freezer is definitely the way to go!

Badonkadonk: A Clarification

I just learned what badonkadonk means. Boy, is my face red. I had been using it along the lines of the Yiddish expression ‘ferkakte,’ which as it turns out, I had been misusing as well, although not as egregiously. If I have offended anyone in my daily interactions, I sincerely apologize. Special thanks to that very patient MTA officer for setting me straight.

 

Lesson Learned: No More Guest Bloggers!

When I went “off-line” last week to attend to a minor health issue, I unwisely turned over Splettnet temporarily to my cousin Alonzo.  Although I gave him strict instructions as well as general guidance, contrary to my wishes he immediately posted 17 highly inflammatory items about bullfighting.  Because I had been sedated, I was temporarily powerless to remove them and, as a result, many people saw them and were quite understandably offended.

In particular, a lot of you were bothered by Alonzo’s assertion that it “matters little to me whose blood is shed, bull or bullfighter, just as long as blood is shed and in copious amounts.”  Others were disturbed by his saying that “in Spain, for $15 (if you’re willing to sit in the cheap seats) you can spend a delightful afternoon watching a bull or a man die — or preferably both!”

Unfortunately, Alonzo expanded on his view in later posts, saying that, “it is hard to imagine any sport — be it baseball, football, soccer, or women’s soccer – that would not be significantly improved by the introduction of fighting bulls into the arena and the death of some of the participants be they human or bovine.”  He also wrote a lengthy description of the “bright spurt of arterial blood from a fatal groin injury to a matador mixing on the hot Iberian sand with the welling heart blood of a bull that is breathing its last so that, in the end, one could not tell whose blood was whose.”

Rest assured that I do not share these sentiments, I do not endorse them, and I do not consider them even remotely appropriate for Splettnet, which is intended to be a family blog.  I have deleted the posts in question and I apologize unreservedly to my readers.  I have also expressed my disappointment directly to Alonzo and assure you that I will be more diligent in the future before I allow anyone else to post here.

Top of My Christmas List: The iPhone 10S

You know which iPhone I’m really excited for? The 10S. I’m already kind of over the 8, even though technically it doesn’t exist yet. There have been so many leaked specs and mockups, I feel like I already own it, although, from what I’ve read, I definitely can’t afford it. So looking past the 8 to the 8S, probably just a spec bump, then the 9 will probably feature some new killer tech, like a retinal scanner, which, as someone who wears glasses, will probably be more of a boondoggle than a boon. So forget the 9. And the 9S. Just not that jazzed. Sorry, Apple. The 10 will probably have all the 9 and 8’s bugs ironed out and some dazzling new A/I, but the 10S will have yet another spec bump which will really put it over the top. And that’s the one for me. Hopefully, by then Tim Cook (the greatest genius to ever work at Apple) will have figured out the eyeglasses/retina scan of it all. Or I may just go Samsung.